Simply Ravenous ( L.U Pt. 1)

      I see you more than most people see their loves. We actually had a relationship in the past. We laugh together, cried together while laughing. I see your sleepy face and find it adorable that you are so clumsy in the early morning/late night. You aren't good with your feelings but witty with your comebacks. Our banter is smart and quick. We have our moments of disagreement but nothing that can't be fixed over a meal of eggs and hash brown or pasta and garlic bread. You are my cheeseburger, everything fried and everything shared, partner in crime. Equipped with hands that are ready to lift, build, flip, turn, help in any way possible. There are times where it feels like there is nothing you wouldn't do for me but I don't think its cause I'm special, I think it's just in your nature. You don't judge me for what I say but how I say it, you don't count my calories and you don't laugh when I turn into a vegetarian the same week we eat steak.
 Sometimes you see me and when you do the world is quiet....but other times you are just enjoying what life is giving you and there's nothing wrong with that except that I notice. I notice when we are in a bubble together and its just us, just you and me...I also notice when its just you. You and your responsibilities, and your duties to fulfill but there are these little specs in time where you come back to me, and its just us again. You make it  hard not to love you, you have equal taste in movies and feel the importance of dreaming as I do. You are a worthy opponent in any debate, whether it be hypothetical or not.
To me, you shine the stars and hung the moon, to you, I changed your life in an unplanned way. Your baby face and smooth skin, your glorious hair and pouty mouth, your pouty mouth that holds soft lips. The ripples in your arms and sexy in your smile, the way that you flip your hair and walk in jeans. Your cute little butt that I obsess over that hides under your back dimples. My GOD man, you are incredible. But, do you see me? Do you know that I pay attention to how you like your coffee? Or whether its an iced or hot coffee kind of day? Or how I know you have been affected by what I said in such a way you were bothered? ( like little ole me could bother you) Did you know that when you smile genuinely its like the clouds open up and sing Hallelujah and only I can hear them? Did you know that I know when you are truly laughing vs fake laughing because your mouth gets wider and you throw your head back? Did you know that I looked for contact solution for you so it will always be on hand when your eyes get dry? Do you know that I was so happy to find my headband so it would be ready for you to use when you come over? Did you know that I know your palate so well, that I can tell if you are going to truly like something before it even touches your lips?

These things my darling are all things that are special to me, the warmth when you cuddle me to the strength in your hand hold, I am in love with you, your sweet kisses and tender moans, I'm in love with you. Your sweat that coincides with my own, I am in love with you.
But as much as you like to give yourself credit for being observant, you do not see me. You do not see me seeing you. Sure, you know I like you and you don't really believe I love you, we have a good thing going and why would we mess that up? But my love, I've been enraptured by even the thought of you, a simple friendship would never satisfy the hunger I have for you, I am simply ravenous.

SEND HELP...?

                                I am lost, in this deep, dark hole. I never knew anyone could be this sad, six months of the same monotonous, uneventful routine in which I only have myself to blame. No one knows, they think they know but they don't, the repetition is all consuming. The only thing I wasn't prepared for was losing all of my friends. Where did you all go? During the pregnancy you visited and planned on being great uncles and aunts, helped me dress my 250 lbs belly full of twin because I could not dress myself anymore. Then the baby shower came and some of you dwindled. The babies were born and you all wanted to see, and hold and coo. And then time progressed to a few visits, random check ins and poof. You are all gone. I am alone. Never fully alone however I do have my family and my boys who are adored and loved but alone all day with no one to talk to. I finally understand when The Sims are "stir crazy" because I have gone seven days without seeing the sun. I'll repeat because you did not and could not fathom that last sentence. I have gone seven days without seeing the sun. Can you imagine? No car, No babysitter,( no one I trust to babysit) and yet I am expected to be strong now and get over things faster because two innocent lives depend on me to survive.. I have dropped things right where I stood and ran to some of you when you needed. Answered late night phone calls and helped with your lovers quarrels, I have been a chauffeur when you had no cars and your therapists when no one would listen. I have been the wingman and the loan provider, the adventure seeker and the day planner, the job and apartment finder, the sister, mother, brother and personal chef to some of you...And again I ask, WHERE ARE YOU?

 So, with this I say, I am loved, not by you but by my children, you didn't save me, any of you, you didn't care and now I don't. Don't send help, it is no longer needed. I have grown wings and they will take flight. They have been plucked and bruised but they are mine and they will take flight.

In this HEARTACHE of mine....

Indeed, you are my lover and my best friend and though it may not seem like it always,I think of you first. I want you and want to feel wanted by you. As time progressed and we became more like adults in a real relationship than teenage love birds,strain and stress has taken over. Soft kisses and sweet whispers turned into mushes to the forehead and curse words. There was a time that only us and our love existed now there are chocolate covered models and females with tight bodies and large bottoms. When I scream and yell,I am only frustrated that we aren't anymore what we once were. When I stay silent, it's worse, I'm in desperate need of you and when I cry? I am losing all faith. I've wanted you for so long that being with you had consumed me whole. I want your love and compassion, your strong arms holding me tightly,whispering how beautiful I am to you. We aren't lovers, we're barely friends, the respect has degraded and the passion pacified. And with full regret, I am more to blame for the start of this. As for changing and trying to make it better,my efforts go unnoticed and I feel alone with the iciness of your shoulder, the whip of your back and the dead in your eyes. I am wounded by your lack of love for me. I am desperate to be loved again, to be loved great again. To start anew and begin the chills of excitement and the nervousness of butterflies. All the while I am still waiting for your company, every evening before bed. A broken heart is nothing to take lightly but love lost in a present relationship is a tragedy, an overbearing, unexplainable,devastating  heartache.

In the City...Pt 1.

When you finally go back to the city and do the things you want to do and see the home you left almost three years ago,it does something to your psyche. You become overwhelmed with joy, regret, love and memories. You meet up with that special person whom you always think about but try not to speak about. His smile, his hair, his perfectly straight teeth, his warm brown to natural tan skin that's smoother than rose petals. He is undeniably the same but there is a maturity that you haven't recognized before. A certain growth in his mind and his goals leads you to remember why you started falling in the first place. Or why you always kept in touch. There is a reason for everything, whether you want to admit or not but things don't work out at certain times because it wasn't your time. You are in need of "perfection" and that can mean breaking the hearts of those we love the most or rekindling that spark of someone from years ago.

I don't care about your small milestones, tell me where I stand in your life. Life is very short and I need to know if you need me, want me or can do without me. Make strides for me, put in work, learn about my Dreams in life. You want me? I need to know if we're going to make any moves together or if you're struggling to make moves on your own.

Scars from the pretty one

I could never do what you've done to me. The hidden scars, the fake I love you's, the smile that turns into gritted teeth. No I could never be you. The lies of trust and honesty and I got your back. Who needs that? You constantly throw things in my face like dollar amounts and secrets of friends. Who's buisness is it of yours to air out other peoples dirty laundry while yours has shit stains? No, I could never be you. You don't believe in me? In my dreams? In what I can do? Fuck you! I'll be better, better than you,better than your best dream. If you want something from me, I'll need something from you. You don't know love, love isn't "shut the fuck up you little bitch""fuck you, you motherfucker" "sometimes you act like a dumb blonde". Etc, etc..etc... No, I'll never be you. I wanna be the best human I can, but it's hard when your toughest critic should be your number one fan. Fuck love if it's coming from you, cause you are toxic. What a waste of such a pretty face.

Trust issues

I would not prefer perfection over authenticity. I want to know who I'm talking to and hanging with at all times. I never had a problem with trust until a recent (2 years ago) heartbreak.(That just shows you how strong that bond really was). I now must ask you a series of questions and observe you just so I  know when you're lying. Nothing crazy or obsessive at first or all at once because let's face it, I need to see if you are even worth the trouble, never mind the friendship. Trust is so tricky, I mean really think about it, would you trust someone who trusts everyone? And in return could someone try to trust you if you don't open up? This is partly why a lot of relationships fail, this five letter word makes the best relationships and breaks the weak ones. And how about those other people we like? Those people who are great at advice and buy you things for your birthday and whom you're tired of seeing because they basically live in your home? You know, friends! They are in what we or I like to call the tight circle. You'd tell them before your mom that you're pregnant or got that date with that cutie at Starbucks. I like tight circles, I can see everyone and I know who's behind me and who isn't. Those people who aren't must be watched,those who are shall not leave that circle. "Where are you going? I need you". We need no one, but we feel better with them around.