In this HEARTACHE of mine....

Indeed, you are my lover and my best friend and though it may not seem like it always,I think of you first. I want you and want to feel wanted by you. As time progressed and we became more like adults in a real relationship than teenage love birds,strain and stress has taken over. Soft kisses and sweet whispers turned into mushes to the forehead and curse words. There was a time that only us and our love existed now there are chocolate covered models and females with tight bodies and large bottoms. When I scream and yell,I am only frustrated that we aren't anymore what we once were. When I stay silent, it's worse, I'm in desperate need of you and when I cry? I am losing all faith. I've wanted you for so long that being with you had consumed me whole. I want your love and compassion, your strong arms holding me tightly,whispering how beautiful I am to you. We aren't lovers, we're barely friends, the respect has degraded and the passion pacified. And with full regret, I am more to blame for the start of this. As for changing and trying to make it better,my efforts go unnoticed and I feel alone with the iciness of your shoulder, the whip of your back and the dead in your eyes. I am wounded by your lack of love for me. I am desperate to be loved again, to be loved great again. To start anew and begin the chills of excitement and the nervousness of butterflies. All the while I am still waiting for your company, every evening before bed. A broken heart is nothing to take lightly but love lost in a present relationship is a tragedy, an overbearing, unexplainable,devastating  heartache.

In the City...Pt 1.

When you finally go back to the city and do the things you want to do and see the home you left almost three years ago,it does something to your psyche. You become overwhelmed with joy, regret, love and memories. You meet up with that special person whom you always think about but try not to speak about. His smile, his hair, his perfectly straight teeth, his warm brown to natural tan skin that's smoother than rose petals. He is undeniably the same but there is a maturity that you haven't recognized before. A certain growth in his mind and his goals leads you to remember why you started falling in the first place. Or why you always kept in touch. There is a reason for everything, whether you want to admit or not but things don't work out at certain times because it wasn't your time. You are in need of "perfection" and that can mean breaking the hearts of those we love the most or rekindling that spark of someone from years ago.

I don't care about your small milestones, tell me where I stand in your life. Life is very short and I need to know if you need me, want me or can do without me. Make strides for me, put in work, learn about my Dreams in life. You want me? I need to know if we're going to make any moves together or if you're struggling to make moves on your own.

Scars from the pretty one

I could never do what you've done to me. The hidden scars, the fake I love you's, the smile that turns into gritted teeth. No I could never be you. The lies of trust and honesty and I got your back. Who needs that? You constantly throw things in my face like dollar amounts and secrets of friends. Who's buisness is it of yours to air out other peoples dirty laundry while yours has shit stains? No, I could never be you. You don't believe in me? In my dreams? In what I can do? Fuck you! I'll be better, better than you,better than your best dream. If you want something from me, I'll need something from you. You don't know love, love isn't "shut the fuck up you little bitch""fuck you, you motherfucker" "sometimes you act like a dumb blonde". Etc, etc..etc... No, I'll never be you. I wanna be the best human I can, but it's hard when your toughest critic should be your number one fan. Fuck love if it's coming from you, cause you are toxic. What a waste of such a pretty face.

Trust issues

I would not prefer perfection over authenticity. I want to know who I'm talking to and hanging with at all times. I never had a problem with trust until a recent (2 years ago) heartbreak.(That just shows you how strong that bond really was). I now must ask you a series of questions and observe you just so I  know when you're lying. Nothing crazy or obsessive at first or all at once because let's face it, I need to see if you are even worth the trouble, never mind the friendship. Trust is so tricky, I mean really think about it, would you trust someone who trusts everyone? And in return could someone try to trust you if you don't open up? This is partly why a lot of relationships fail, this five letter word makes the best relationships and breaks the weak ones. And how about those other people we like? Those people who are great at advice and buy you things for your birthday and whom you're tired of seeing because they basically live in your home? You know, friends! They are in what we or I like to call the tight circle. You'd tell them before your mom that you're pregnant or got that date with that cutie at Starbucks. I like tight circles, I can see everyone and I know who's behind me and who isn't. Those people who aren't must be watched,those who are shall not leave that circle. "Where are you going? I need you". We need no one, but we feel better with them around.

Pauseable Situations

Why do people get themselves worked up when they can prevent themselves from getting angry?Learn to live and let live, there should be no reason for unnecessary stress or agony. Live your life the best way you can. Practice what you preach and preach positivity and happiness. If you want to be happy, BE HAPPY, if you want good things to happen, then let them happen!
When something happens that upsets you, take a moment and pause. You can always change the outcome of an argument, or the outcome of your emotions, you just have to put things into perspective. Think of how you want something to go and it shall happen. Naivety is not the same  thing as being positive and thinking lightly. Think Light, Be Light.
Live Always, Love Always...Love strong, Love hard, Love always!

When you have that beginning kind of excitement and you think to yourself "I hope I don't ruin this". I can't hurt anyone the way I've been hurt, but damn if  I don't like you. To leave now would be better but I can't now...but I'll tell you the truth. How will you react? I don't know...As long as I don't break your heart we'll be good.